There Be Teddies In There
by Rodaine Rodune
Summary: Quatre has to use the restroom very badly...but what happens when he discovers the teddy that wants to dexour him is IN the bathroom...AU and comical death(Duo)...R


**There Be Teddies in There**

  
  
Quatre needed to go to the bathroom very badly. There was no use trying to convince himself that he could wait for lunch. His bladder was screaming at him, and Miss Crabapple had caught him fidgeting.  
  
There were three History teachers at Tokyo Central High School. Miss Backwoods was young and blonde and...at least a D cup: the typical eye-candy. Mrs. Aiken was shaped like the Michelin Tire Man. Her classroom was equipped with sliding doors to accommodate her massive swaying hips and rolls. And then, of course, there was Miss Crabapple. Miss Backwoods was skinny. Mrs. Aiken was fat. Miss Crabapple, however, was just...wrong, if you know what I mean.  
  
Quatre had known he would end up with Miss Crabapple. He was as sure as gravy on ham. It had been inevitable. Because Miss Crabapple was placed on this earth by some unholy demonic enchantment to obliterate him.  
  
She did not let children go the bathroom. The bathroom, Miss Crabapple had had said, was where ancient Romans met to take baths together and talk about the recently deceased and the crop rotation. Well-groomed ladies and gentlemen would never so dare as to go down 'there' because bathrooms were nasty, grimy old things. Young ladies and gentlemen do not go to the bathroom, oh no, she said; they go to the restroom.  
  
Quatre squirmed once more. Miss Crabapple cocked an eye at him. "Mr. Winner," she questioned still pointing at Bolivia, "do you need to go to the restroom?"  
  
Duo Maxwell in the seat ahead of him gave a muffled guffaw, wisely covering his mouth. Chang Wufei, on the other hand, sniggered loudly and was slapped sideways by the approaching teacher, "Hush, boy! Or I'll pop you so hard you'll have to unbutton your shirt to eat." She turned back to Quatre, "Speak up. Do you need to-"  
  
"Yes, Miss Crabapple," he hurriedly answered before she could say...  
  
"...Urinate?"  
  
"Y-yes miss crabapple. I have to go to the bath...to the restroom."  
  
Miss Crabapple smiled, "Very well, Quatre. You may go to the restroom and urinate. And next time, kindly don't wait to be asked."  
  
General giggles. Quatre trudged up the row towards the door, seventy eyes boring into his back and everyone of those students, including Relena Peacecraft, knew he was going to urinate, not in the bathroom but the restroom. Miss Crabapple did not continue the lesson but kept her silence until Quatre had entered the barren hallway and shut the door.  
  
He walked slowly towards the boy's bathroom...no...restroom, dragging his fingers along the cool tile wall. 'Old b-i-t-c-h,' he thought. He spelled because he had decided that God didn't say it was a sin to spell.  
  
Quatre went into the bathroom...  
er, Restroom.  
It was cold inside, with a faint, unpleasant smell of chlorine hanging pungently in the air. Now, in the early morning, it was clean and deserted and peaceful, not at all like the putrescence of the afternoon.  
  
The bathroom  
!Restroom!  
was dog-legged, the short side lined with cracked mirrors and grouty porcelain sinks, the long stretch occupied by three urinals, two cubicles, and one sandblasted window. Quatre slid around the corner after glancing at his delicate physique in the mirror.  
  
The teddy bear was seated at the far end, just beneath the window. It was a small teddy, with scrawny arms and legs coated in dark chocolate fur. Its glossy marble eyes were fixed on Quatre, the pupils narrowed. A kind of silky, wry smile stretched across the grizzly face. The teddy bear looked quite hungry...and vicious.  
  
Quatre squealed and dashed back the way he came. The door swung open before painfully slow, closing again. He wiped his sweaty forehead with the back of his hand. He still needed to go to the restroom, worse then ever.  
  
Quatre squirmed and whined. He really had to go! He could just use the girl's...no, no...not in a million years. What if Relena should come? Or--_Abysmal Horror_!--what if Miss Crabapple should come?!  
  
A hand slid around his neck.  
  
Quatre wailed and felt his stomach clog his throat. For one terrible moment, he was going to wet himself.  
  
It was Duo, smiling complacently. "Miss Crabs sent me after you 'cause you been gone so long. You're in trouble."  
  
"Yeah...but I can't go!" Quatre said, quite faint from the near-whiz experience.  
  
"Yer constipated!" Duo squealed, "Wait'll I tell Relena..."  
  
"You better not!" Quatre said urgently. "Besides. I'm not...There's a teddy bear in there..."  
  
"What's he doing?" Duo asked, "Takin' a piss?"  
  
"I don't know," Quatre said, turning to face the wall. "I just wish he'd go away." He began to weep.  
  
"Come on!" Duo said, grabbing his arm in one hand and pushing the door open with the other. "You're making it up."  
  
They were inside before Quatre, terrified, could break free and cower against the door.  
  
"Teddy Bear?" Duo laughed, "Boy, Miss Crabs is gonna _kill_ you."  
  
"It's around the other side..."  
  
Duo began to walk past the sinks. "Here teddy-weddy beary-weary...come to good ol' Shinigami..."  
  
"Don't!" Quatre hissed.  
  
Duo disappeared around the corner, "Teddy-weddy? Oh, there you are ted-"  
  
Quatre darted out the door again and pressed himself against the wall, waiting, his hand over his mouth and his eyes squinched shut, waiting...waiting for the scream.  
  
There was no scream.  
  
He had no idea how long he stood there, frozen, his bladder bursting. He gazed at the door...it told him nothing. It was just a door.  
  
He wouldn't...  
  


He couldn't...

But at last he went in.

The washbowls and mirrors were neat and the faint smell of chlorine was unchanged...But...but there seemed to be a smell under it...a faint unpleasant smell like rotten eggs...or blood.  
  
With groaning (but silent) trepidation, he went to the corner of the 'L' and peeped around.  
  
The teddy was sprawled on the floor, licking its paws with a pink felt tongue. It looked incuriously at Quatre...a piece of shirt caught in one velvety paw.  
  
But his *need* was a white agony now, and he couldn't help it. He had to. Quatre tiptoed to the white porcelain sink closest to the door.  
  
Miss Crabapple slammed in just as he was unzipping his jeans. "Why, you dirty, filthy little boy!" She said almost reflectively.  
  
Quatre was keeping a close eye on the corner. "I'm sorry, Miss Crabapple...the teddy bear...I'm going to clean the sink...I'll use soap...I swear I will..."  
  
"Where is that Maxwell?!" Miss Crabapple tried to ask calmly.  
  
"I don't know..."  
  
"Is he back there?"  
  
"NO!!!" Quatre cried.  
  
Miss Crabapple stalked to the place where the room bent. "Duo Maxwell! Come here right this instant!"  
  
"Miss Crabapple-"  
  
But Miss Crabapple was already around the corner. She meant to pounce...well...she was about to learn what pouncing was really all about...  
  
He went out the door again. He got a drink of water from the fountain. He looked at the Japanese flag hanging over the entrance to the gym. He looked at the bulletin board (Quatre read everything twice). Woodsy Owl said **GIVE A HOOT, DON'T POLLUTE**. Officer Friendly said **NEVER RIDE WITH STRANGERS**.  
  
Then he went back to his classroom, walked down his row to his seat with eyes to the floor, and slid into his desk. It was eleven forty-seven. He took out _Roads to Everywhere_ and began to read about Bob at the Zoo...  
  
But he still had to go to the restroom...  
______________________  
This one is one of my  
favs...poor Quatre!  
Poor Duo! Poor, poor  
Miss Crabapple, who  
btw was my 1st grade  
teacher...  
  
.:Nigeru Usotachi:.  
RR 


End file.
